Relationship With Adult Children

Posted on February 13, 2012 by janellmoon

Lately I’ve been thinking about our relationship with our adult children and what new challenges we mothers have if our children feel safe enough to tell us what was difficult about our mothering. We may know our children need to separate from us and use the teen years or young adulthood to step into adulthood as a man or woman. And we may know that they do this, not necessarily by distance, but by speaking freely to us about our relationship with them. Often, it’s how to speak to them as adults or accept their adult behavior different from our expectations. Often too they need to tell us what we did/are doing that feels wrong and hurtful.

I’ll talk about this process in the next blogs. It’s a difficult process for moms and for the adult children and there’s no timeline for this: often in teen years separation starts and  can end any time the child feels safe enough to tell us what they need to and can safe enough to ask for new behavior. It takes a grown up mom who successful separated from her mom.

I would love to see this process written about in a memoir with all its ins and out. More later.

 

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Memoir Writing: What to Leave Out

Posted on February 9, 2012 by janellmoon

You do not have to tell the whole story. You can tell a truer story by leaving some stuff out. We don’t leave out important events or feelings. We just eliminate side events and feelings. Things that happen that are not part of the thrust of the story are left by the wayside.

In my memoir, Salt and Paper, I left in my difficulties with my son but left out much of the sweet times we had experienced together. I inferred there had been many by showing a few as background but we came to a time when he needed to move away and it was difficult. The story was about his decision to do that. How that effected me and my grandchild.  His wife was involved but not the main person I was concerned with, at that time.

Do not change the story which is most important and which is the story at the center. Memoirs are made of memories, and memories are mere impressions, bits and pieces of events, imprints on our minds that withstand time. It may be an especially happy or sad time. They may reshape themselves, proving that our memories is not the absolute truth but “a truth.” Try to get all the siblings in a household to agree and you’ll see what I mean.

How is memory not static? Have you learned to find the heart of the issue for your writing?

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Dialogue in Memoir: An Element of Fiction

Posted on February 5, 2012 by janellmoon

Most who write memoir have an important story to tell of surviving hardship or letting us go on an amazing adventure with them into new worlds of some kind. We know that the best memoirs come to life on the page because the author uses elements of fiction, such as dialogue.  At the same time, a memoir writer wants to be honest and write what only happened. No stories of abuse that didn’t happen and no mountain not climbed. However, to use dialogue is a tricky venture.

Readers assume the dialogue in memoirs is written verbatim but who can remember important conversations — especially those dating back to childhood — word for word? Most authors recall either a central line of the dialogue or some semblance of what was said, and construct the dialogue around those words. It’s the intention of the conversation that we aim to recreate and remain true to.

Dialogue makes the memoir seem “here and now” to the reader. It hooks the reader into what is happening to the characters.  It pushes the story ahead. The goal of the author is to write a dialogue that is true to the main event, true to their perception of what was said. For example, when a mother exchanges a dead bird for a new bird that looks almost like the old bird and the child notices the difference, you have a main event in truth-telling for a child who is later diagnosed schizophrenic.

“Who’s that in Petie’s cage?” I ask as I stand tiptoe up to the table that holds my pet bird.

“Pettie,” says my mother with a toss of her red hair, smoking her cigarette.

“No it’s not. Pettie doesn’t have that yellow spot on his head.”

“Don’t doubt my word. That’s your Petie. If I say it’s Pettie, it’s Pettie.”

Never mind that schizophrenia is a brain disorder. We know that genetics plays a large part in this mental illness. Still, there can be familial ways of handling the truth that can add to a person’s propensity to this disorder.

And we may want to explore other examples where truth is handled weirdly in the memoir. And, instead of making the mother the “bad mother,” we can explore why she might lie about her son’s bird. In this case, the author showed as the story unfolds that the mother was so overwhelmed with feelings that she couldn’t face her young, most sensitive child having to face death.

The dialogue makes the incident crystal clear. The words don’t have to be exact as long as the attitude is shown, the event is detailed enough.

Have you used dialogue in your memoir? How have you handled dialogue in your memoir?  What do you remember most? How do you remember details?

 

Posted in Communication problems, Counseling, Creative Life, Identity, Intuitive, Memoir, Sensate, Stage-of-life crisis, Transition, Writing, Writing Coach | Leave a comment

Element of fiction for memoir writing: The

Posted on February 1, 2012 by janellmoon

Your reader is reading your book because the title draws them in. You provide your reader with a powerful emotional experience and great facts as the story develops. If you’re writing a romance, you must create in your reader the illusion that she is falling in love herself. If you’re writing a thriller, you must create in your reader the illusion that he is in mortal danger and has only the tiniest chance of saving his life (and all of humanity). If you’re writing a fantasy, you must create in your reader the illusion that she is actually in another world where all is different and wonderful and magical. If you are writing a memoir, the abuse and triumph is happening to your reader.

If you fail to create these emotions in your reader, then you have failed. If you create these emotions in your reader, then you have succeeded. The better you create the desired emotional experience in your reader, the better your book. In memoir, this is called using an element of fiction. You create a full emotional experience for your reader.

You are your own point of view in a memoir. It’s your POV. The reader must become the POV character.

Overview of Scene

A Scene has the following three-part pattern:
1. Goal- what POV character wants desperately
2. Conflict/concerns-obstacles in way of getting that/the struggle
3. Disaster- do not resolve yet. Reader must turn the page.
A Sequel has the following three-part pattern:

1. Reaction-POV reacting viscerally to Disaster. Hurting. Show time passage. No action,
time for reaction. Stagger. Eventually, must get a hold of self. Look for options but none.
Start with internal instinctive reaction and move slowly to thinking and reasoning. Very
important to each time show internal to external to show reality. One or more for each.
Paragraph or sequence of paragraphs. Feeling, then instinct.

2. Dilemma- a situation with no options. Come to least-bad option…Give it its own paragraph/s.

3. Decision-Make decision. Pro-active again. New goal.
And now you’ve come full circle. You’ve gone from Scene to Sequel and back to the Goal for a new Scene. This is why the Scene-Sequel pattern is so powerful. A Scene leads naturally to a Sequel, which leads naturally to a new Scene. And so on forever. At some point, you’ll end the cycle. You’ll give your POV character either Ultimate Victory or Ultimate Defeat and that will be the end of the book. But until you get there, the alternating pattern of Scene and Sequel will carry you through. This is not easy but this formula will carry you through. Best of luck. It can
actually be fun.

Here is a simple example:

The tiger dropped out of the tree and sprang toward Jack.

Note the key points here. This is objective. We present the Motivation as it would be shown by a videocamera. Nothing here indicates that we are in Jack’s point of view. That comes next, but in the Motivation we keep it simple and sharp and clean.

The Reaction is internal and subjective, and you present it that way, exactly as your POV character would experience it — from the inside. This is your chance to make your reader be your POV character. To repeat myself, this must happen in its own paragraph (or sequence of paragraphs). If you leave it in the same paragraph as the Motivation, then you risk whip-sawing the reader. Which no reader enjoys.
The Reaction is more complex than the Motivation. The reason is that it is internal, and internal processes happen on different time-scales. When you see a tiger, in the first milliseconds, you only have time for one thing — fear. Within a few tenths of a second, you have time to react on instinct, but that is all it will be — instinct, reflex. But shortly after that first reflexive reaction, you will also have time to react rationally, to act, to think, to speak. You must present the full complex of your character’s reactions in this order, from fastest time-scale to slowest. If you put them out of order, then things just don’t feel right. You destroy the illusion of reality. And your reader won’t keep reading because your writing is “not realistic.” Even if you got all your facts right.

Here is a simple example:

A bolt of raw adrenaline shot through Jack’s veins. He jerked his rifle to his shoulder, sighted on the tiger’s heart, and squeezed the trigger. “Die, you bastard!”

Note the three parts of the Reaction:

1. Feeling: “A bolt of raw adrenaline shot through Jack’s veins.” You show this first, because it happens almost instantly.

2. Reflex: “He jerked his rifle to his shoulder . . .” You show this second, as a result of the fear. An instinctive result that requires no conscious thought.

3. Rational Action and Speech: “. . . sighted on the tiger’s heart, and squeezed the trigger. ‘Die, you bastard!’” You put this last, when Jack has had time to think and act in a rational way. He pulls the trigger, a rational response to the danger. He speaks, a rational expression of his intense emotional reaction.

It is legitimate to leave out one or two of these three parts. (You can’t leave out all three or you have no Reaction.) But there is one critical rule to follow in leaving parts out: Whatever parts you keep in must be in the correct order. If there is a Feeling, it must come first. If there is a Reflex, it must never come before a Feeling. If there is some Rational Action, it must always come last. This is simple and obvious and if you follow this rule, your Reactions will be perfectly structured time after time.
Now write another and another. The reaction you wrote will lead to something new that is external and objective that you write in a new paragraph.

Hope this helps. It will make your writing great and dynnamic!

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How Do You Come to the Memoir?

Posted on February 1, 2012 by janellmoon

How you come to the memoir is much like how you come to the world. In my experience of working with many varied people (and voices), I notice that a person very much in her/his body will come to the memoir with a great plot and facts and details. It’s a natural for those who feel practical and grounded. Someone who is more intuitive than sensate (body-based) will come to the memoir with a story that may involve hunches, feelings, coincidences, and perhaps write in a more magic realism style than the sensate person. S/he often has strengths of understanding the character rather deeply and understanding actions or motivations that would seem unusual or even difficult to others. Both have their strengths and that’s one of the reasons we have so many stories told in so many different ways.

What kind of writer are you? (Of course, we are all combinations of one or the other.) A sensate writer likes to exercises and be active. An intuitive writer, in their free time likes to daydream and perhaps read or will join a dream group. Imagine the mystery or the historical novel written by someone who is aware enough to bring both qualities into their writing.  Ernest Hemingway, Tobias Wolfe, sensate. Barbara Kingsolver, James Baldwin, intuitive.

 

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Blind Spots/Creative Work

Posted on January 24, 2012 by janellmoon

Blog 4

I’ve been thinking of what I have to change in myself.  I am a long-term counselor

working with many clients over the years but  I still have my blind spots and know

it. I am glad to have this self awareness and not to hate myself  like I might  have

done when I was younger. I put my creative projects aside until “real work” is

done and that’s no way to live a happy life. There’s something in creative work t

hat can be frightening.

 

I need to tell myself that creative work is part of “real work” and gives me energy

to do the harder things I must do. I would be happier if I  concluded the art project

I have been putting aside. I have a gallery now that will take the work. I blame the

busyness of life for not doing what I want to do. I need to remember myself and

what feeds the “private” me. I think the difficulty in creative work is when I have

so many decisions to make within the painting/collage. Making visual art feels

risky to me but very exciting too. It’s scarier thinking about it than to be in the

process and so I begin .

 

Do you feel that you have been putting something off  because you blame

others or something else? What have you discovered about this? What are

your blind spots?

Posted in Anxiety Reduction, Counseling, Creative Life, Hypnotherapy, Identity, Memoir, Poetry, Visual Art, Writing, Writing Coach | Leave a comment

Communicating With Your Inner Child

Posted on January 22, 2012 by janellmoon

Part of the process of healing beyond thinking but involving your emotions and

body is to begin to have a “sense”, a “feeling”, even a picture of your inner child.

(Use photographs if you can to remember how s/he felt.)

 

This inner child process is when your writing skill is not important. What we

are looking for is the connection between your adult self now and the

youngster you once were.

 

We are all born dependent and, in same ways, victimized. Some children

more than others, of course. It is the acknowledgment of the defenseless

child who needs help from the independent adult that allows healing in

a lasting way.

 

I had a client recently say she hated her inner child and I knew what she meant is

that she couldn’t forgive herself for being so effected by what happened years ago.

I understand that desire not to be pulled back into the pain of what happened so

many years ago. However, we can not wish trauma it away. We can’t cut it out of us

or ignore it forever unless we want to stay limited. To stay limited is to be triggered

in present day by past reminders.

 

If you are not working with a therapist, please  do so. If you are working with a

therapist, please tell her what you are attempting to do. You want a safe person to

whom you tell what comes up.

 

Write a letter to your inner child and ask her to tell you in her own words what

happened. Tell her how “safe” you will be with her feelings. Let her tell you how it

was. Take one incident at a time so you do not get overwhelmed.

Sometimes writing with your non-dominant hand helps to free the child

to say what she feels.

 

Keep your writing large, upper and lower-case. Don’t worry about neatness.

Don’t edit. Let the child take the time they need. The child may need to be

coaxed. Tell the child you have the time she needs and return to this often

and with love.

Posted in Anxiety Reduction, Communication problems, Counseling, Events, Identity, Memoir, Poetry, Stage-of-life crisis, Transition, Writing, Writing Coach | Tagged Writing for Healing | 2 Comments

We Are All Creative

Posted on January 22, 2012 by janellmoon

Creativity does not belong to artists and writers and those who are well-known. Creativity belongs to all of us and we actually use creativity to get along in daily life. Some call this “every day creativity.” An good example of this is when you come to a place in the trail in the woods that is muddy. Do you go through the mud or find another way to get around the mud? Or in the car, a detour. We find another way.

Working with clients to write their first book or to find the motivation to try their creative dream, I find that there are many kinds of creative qualities that are used in a variety of projects. Some folks are detailed and observant and draw well while another may be spontaneous and expressive in large bold strokes, whether in writing or painting. Some like bold shapes and color in sculpture in public places and have the personality to carry it off. Others enjoy the “jewel”, the tiny expression of jewelry or a small piece of art, a poem.

We are all different in our creativity. There is no one genre of writing or kind of visual art better than another. Just find what suits you best. Also, some people have easier access to their subconscious and seem to gravitate to poetry and memoir and journaling. Others enjoy structure and plotting more and can write a great action novel.

The important thing is to try different processes and see what fits you as a person. If you are a feeling person, a creative outlet will help you regulate your feelings for yourself and in your relationships. If you tend to be cautious, creativity will help you play and even do some risk-taking. It may actually make you feel alive and flexible.

Let me know if you have found things out about your creativity just by trying something new? Did you have to try several things before you found something right and fun for you?

 

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Writing Your Experiences in Poetry- Beyond the Substance/The Craft

Posted on January 19, 2012 by janellmoon

When I edit poetry for publication, I read to see that these elements are strong.

1. Fresh Language–no common phrases/language used as jargon

2. Show, don’t tell –Don’t teach, preach or explain but show us through imagery. “A picture worth a thousand words.

3. Unnecessary Words and Phrases– Take out repetition and don’t explain in two words that which you can say in one.

4. Clarity–Even experimental poetry (except language poetry) has a narrative of some kind that we can follow. Make sure it makes sense.

5. Length–A short blast or important moment or does it need to be long enough to express your whole idea.

This is the easier check list that I can make and it will sharpen all your work.

As an aside, last night in couple counseling, one of the partners who isn’t usually very expressive wrote a poem to his spouse which was quite moving and actually

followed these rules. He talked about “soft as the moss of baby tears” and how it would tear him up to think he had caused any of those tears, wants her to be soft

because she can trust him to be “her oak/”

Posted in Aging, Anxiety Reduction, Communication problems, Counseling, Identity, Memoir, Poetry, Stage-of-life crisis, Transition, Writing, Writing Coach | Leave a comment

Deciding If to Edit Memoir

Posted on January 15, 2012 by janellmoon

A memoir just came across my desk that has an interesting discussion of gender. The s/he or girl as boy et al.
I found it interesting. Really wonderful poetic language. S/he, an author with a book for a prize I once judged
so she has a good, beginning platform. In the end, I didn’t feel it had substance enough and couldn’t decide
why since I so much liked what she was exploring. I have finally decided that she needs to be “more in the story” with her own experiences and reach a conclusion even if the conclusion is that gender is fluid and there is no defining it.

Need her experience and point of view or it is an essay of questions and ideas. Will edit it if I feel, in the
future, it is “memoir-like” enough to pull a reader into her questioning and world. Hope this helps othrers
exploring new ideas through self identity.

Posted in Aging, Anxiety Reduction, Communication problems, Counseling, Essay, Identity, Memoir, Poetry, Stage-of-life crisis, Transition, Writing, Writing Coach | Tagged memoir, memoir essay coach edit questioning, personal writing, transitions | Leave a comment